is one minute,
or sixty seconds,
or sixty thousand million seconds,
today will be gone and become yesterday,
and tomorrow will become today,
it’s kind of terrifying if you think about it,
terrifying in the way that everything you did today,
all the lists you have made,
all the places you have gone,
things you have touched,
songs you have heard,
conversations you’ve had,
will soon become a memory or worse forgotten
lost amidst all your yesterdays, gone.
12:00 am Today
The above can be looked at in two ways: very depressing or very inspiring. I am going to go with inspiring because it has been one hell of a few days and events have occurred that I could sit here and worry about such or let go and realize everything always works out and the Universe has a crazy way of teaching one to breathe and believe. This past Saturday was our three year old’s first dance class (the one I was super nervous about.) It went brilliantly and when she walked out of the class with a huge, proud smile I knew that was a moment I would never forget. The next day, which was this past Sunday ended up being a very different day than the day before: in every way possible. I awoke still beaming with pride but knew I was having a “difficult day.” However, I also knew I could have a great day despite pain but random, unforeseen things kept happening. My husband awoke and his poison ivy had spread and although I have never had poison ivy, I could tell he was in a lot of pain and discomfort. I started looking at homeopathic ways to rid poison ivy and found a few things that I thought may work so grabbed our daughter, Kayci and started driving to our nearest health food sore. Five minutes into our drive it began to rain and the roads got slippery. If you have a child, you know how frustrating it can be to hear the incessant: “Mommy, look….mommy look…..(then louder) MOMMMY PLEASE LOOK!” Against my better judgement I turned my head to LOOK at our three-year old when BOOM, CRASH our little blue Jetta had crashed into the car in front of us. Kayci and I screamed, I turned my head faster than one could imagine and saw the impact we had made. Thirty seconds later I saw a little boy, a year older than Kayci being picked out of the car I had hit crying and saying: “That lady is so mean!” Before I could meet the driver of the other car I instinctively went to my daughter who oddly was not crying but clearly was a tad scared. We had never been in an accident before. I checked her head to toe and saw that she was perfectly fine and did not even drop a tear. Me, being such a great role model dropped more than one tear: I started crying my eyes out as the events of what had just transpired hit me. I talked with the other driver who was beyond kind and said he was unsure whose fault if any the accident was caused by as we both had toddlers in the back and the roads were very slippery. We called the police and he said if he could write a police report that said: “Accident caused by mother nature” he would have. No one was hurt, I was/am just sore from turning my head so quickly from Kayci to the impact of the accident. One would say it was a minor accident, which it was but as my Pop Pop would say: “It is only minor if it happens to someone else.” I was able to drive my car home but knew by the looks of my baby Jetta and the noises coming from the hood, my car was in trouble. Kayci and I arrived home to my poison ivy filled husband and I told him we were in a car accident which obviously did not help anyone’s day and I spent the rest of the afternoon on the phone with my insurance company, repair shops, and my mom. That night I gave myself my shot for fertility (my stomach looks like I am on hard drugs with just terrible side affects but a much better outcome than heroin would provide) and got mildly sick and went to sleep. Yesterday was CRAZY!!! I had my car towed to the collision center and then used my husband’s car to go for my ultrasound and you guessed it more blood work and shots! Once again, got a tad sick and then drove to where my car had been taken out to assess the damages. I quickly learned that my insurance company would consider my car totaled because of the accident, the age of my car, and the book value of it as I have had for about ten years. That is when I really started crying. We were going to buy a new car this year, not yet but it was no secret my car was not big enough for another child and all the equipment that comes with more than one child and my car is surely not getting any younger (nor am I for that matter.) However, I am sad and cars are not cheap and our family needs more than one car. My La La (grandmother who passed when Kayci was about six months) helped buy my little Jetta when I graduated college with a 4.0. It was one of the happiest days of my life as I never thought I would become anything due to chronic pain and to see my dad and La La so proud was a moment that stays in my head. In some ways I associate my blue Jetta with my La La and to know I may never drive it again really hit me hard, not as hard as our accident was: double whammy. I cried for a bit and then pulled myself together and remembered my one liner journal. When I look back to where I was a year ago yesterday, my life is so much better. It is difficult for me to even read how ugly and sad my life was this time last year. A lot can change in a year and maybe everything does happen for a reason. A ‘minor’ car accident and hormone shots are not going to set me back. I have been through worse than this and I know a year from now I will see the reasoning of this accident as my life has shown me everything happens for a reason at the exact time and place it is supposed to happen. I definitely realized that anything can change in a split second and I (we) all need to appreciate the little things we have in life and count our blessings. Most of all, we must all hang on to hope, which I know is difficult for many of my readers who are in their darkest hours of chronic pain. Please remember, there is not always a way out but there is always a way through. Everything does work out and you will realize your strength and find your happiness when you least expect it.