Fear of Abandonment, Loss

Smiling Behind Hidden Pain

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“When people try to minimize your pain, they are doing you a disservice.  And when you minimize your own pain, you’re doing yourself a disservice.  Don’t do that.  The truth is, it huts because it mattered.  And that is a good thing to acknowledge to yourself.  But that doesn’t mean that it won’t end, that it won’t get better.  Because it will.”

John Green

I look happy in the above picture, my daughter (Kayci)  just looks confused. Why do we always smile when taking a picture?  Why do we not show who and how we are really feeling inside because showing our true feelings is scary or embarrassing?  I guess this is true for me, especially yesterday: a day of loss.  My posts are very uplifting and hopefully helpful and inspiring but I am not going to fake a smile on for this post because I have been real from the start of my writings and I do not want to ever not tell you the truth or smile for your camera when inside I’m sad.  We all have bad days and I once believed a bad day meant a bad life.  However, this is not true and I am thankful for my inner wisdom and knowledge that knows everything changes and although I am sad and feel loss, everything always comes together and it appears in my life things do happen for a reason.  We said goodbye to my Jetta yesterday: ridiculous right? It is just a car but it was more than that for me.  I am not a materialistic person, I don’t believe anyone with chronic pain is and clearly the “blue bomber” had run its course: been driving that car for ten years.  I wrote this before but the day I got this car in Denver, Colorado was one of the happiest days of my life and had little to do with the car.  I was proud.  I was twenty three  and had graduated college at the top of my class and was managing chronic pain naturally.   I did it.  I worked my ass off to learn how to manage pain naturally.  I took on a full-time job as a student studying social work and a full-time job of managing pain without treatment or medications.  My La La (grandmother) my dad and myself went to the Volkswagen dealership close to my school and hours later I had a diploma, a brand new car that I knew I deserved, and life.  I smiled for every picture taken at graduation and each smile was more real than the next.  That car was a symbol to me that I could do anything despite chronic pain and I have.

Since I was a young girl I have had a fear of abandonment, this fear did not come from my bike accident, however losing so much due to chronic pain never helped me with this fear.  No matter how bad things got, I had my little blue Jetta that was the one thing that was just for me.  This car was my safety net.  No matter who left me, or who passed, or who hurt me I always had this silly car with only one hub cap to run to.  It is so ridiculous right?  I mean it is just a car and my word it was not pretty to the outside world after ten years of wear and tear and that accident on Sunday did not help her one bit but she was the one thing that I knew was mine and no one could take from me and I have so many memories from that car.  The blue Jetta was kind of like the Velveteen Rabbit: no one can understand this bond or loss with an inadimint object unless this object is beyond real to the person.  Saying goodbye to my car and emptying it out brought up a lot of emotions and wow my day just continued to be crap as the hours went on.  I was/am sad.  I feel as if I lost more than my car yesterday and the emotions that are coming up are emotions I need to deal with and work on: not push down and pretend I am fine.  Because I’m not.  I have a lot to be grateful for and I will have another car, hopefully soon.  We will have more children and at some point this year I was going to have to say goodbye to my safety net.  I just wasn’t ready yet.  However, for some reason the Universe believes I am.  You truly do think too highly of me at times: just saying.

Things come up in our lives and at the time we do not know why but in time I will know.  I am allowed to feel the way I feel just as you are all allowed to feel your feelings whether or not anyone understands.  I lost more than a car yesterday but in time I will not need an object for a safety net: I will only need my heart and soul.

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One thought on “Smiling Behind Hidden Pain

  1. I always get attached to cars and get upset when they go so I totally get it. There is always a lot of memories associated with them and they give you so much freedom and let’s face it, they become a big part of your every day life. I had to give up my jeep last year as it was costing too much to run and it just didn’t make sense for me anymore. My dad took care of selling it and took it away– I wouldn’t have been able to face it! I hope tomorrow is a better day for you

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