“Sometimes it hurts. It hurts so much that you feel like your chest will cave in and the only thing stopping it are those gasps of air you take in between the tears.”
Unknown: But known so well to most of us
Recently someone has written me about being a burden and wanting/feeling the need to suppress her true emotions to keep her loved ones happy. How many of us have felt this once or fifty times during our journey in life with or without chronic pain. Chronic pain is awful but emotional pain can at times be just as bad and definitely just as invisible. Pain is pain: hurt is hurt. I used to lay in bed for days upon days and just cry until I literally could no longer find any tears. I would not move, eat, and it was difficult to take sips of water because I was literally choking on tears. I have come a very long way but I still have these times where either the physical or emotional pain are just too damn much to tolerate and just like chronic pain no one understands. This is a very honest post about how I feel at this moment: I cannot say that I am sad because that is not the correct adjective but I am very emotional. I rarely share my bad day(s) with my readers but I feel it is important for you all to know I too am human as I sit here with tears falling down my face. I don’t want to cry. I want to practice what I preach, which I do on a daily basis but there are times that I break and I do feel as if I am gasping for air because I just cannot stop crying and I know you know how that feels. I want you to know that I have not conquered this game of life or this life with chronic pain and I never will. Each year gets better and there are very few times where I am this emotional and maybe it is a good reminder to me to know how all of you feel non-stop as I once did. I am managing chronic pain naturally, which can be a full time job in itself. I am beyond excited to extend our family but as we near the end of the road the amount of hormones increase so do the tears. Thank God I am cognizant that the hormones have a lot to do with how I feel. And trust me, I would not change my course of action on having more children for all the money in the world. I would take tons more hormones if that’s what I needed to do but it is not some picnic in the park. People with chronic pain do not just have an invisible illness that they need to face each day: we all have the same life stressors/issues and life challenges that all of the world does. Each challenge can, at times be more difficult for us because of chronic pain: pending on the situation.
FAST FORWARD 13 HOURS
It is now about six thirty am, Sunday and I am with my three year old watching Alvin and the Chipmunks. Within an hour or less of what I was in the middle of writing yesterday the entire day shifted and the tears dried and everything: worries/concerns/negative emotions drifted away. I was going to finish what I had been writing yesterday but some little girl wanted Mommy to make some food and an hour later I was in bed laughing. I did not plan yesterday’s post nor did I plan this addendum. However, this is solid proof of how much can change in just thirteen hours or even an hour for that matter. It all comes down to knowing that there will be times where you may gasp for air because of all the tears but things can turn around in a split second and suddenly you are still gasping for air but because you cannot stop laughing.