“Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you want are in harmony.”
Family is very important to me and I am not very close to most of my extended family, more so now that my Grandmother (La La) passed. I love family and my dream has always been to have one of my own. I never thought this dream would come to fruition due to chronic pain but dreams do come true with work, belief, and faith. This past Sunday my very close cousin and uncle left our home after a three-day trip from Indiana. If you know me, I do not like goodbyes of any shape, especially when I do not know when I will see a certain person or persons again. I cry like a four year old on her first day of school. My fear and trouble over goodbyes all goes back to my childhood and goodbyes bring out my troubled part of my inner child. My parents divorced when I was young and the days my dad dropped me off at my mom’s house or another family members home were heartbreaking. *side note: I love my mom very much and we have a great relationship but I did have some difficult times as a child. My parents had me very young and were in a way still kids themselves. Hell, I did not grow up until my late twenties! One of my most vivid memories of saying goodbye to my dad was when I watched him pull away and he was crying. It broke my heart to see my dad cry which in turn made me cry more. I can still picture his face, the driveway, and the door I was standing in as tears fell down my face. Yes, I saw him two days later but for some reason this was one of my hardest goodbye as a child. I have had a fear of abandonment since a child and chronic pain only intensified that fear. I have worked through it a lot but I still hate goodbyes more than anyone you will ever meet: pending on whom I am saying goodbye to of course. Some goodbyes are awesome!
I cried for a bit after my cousin and uncle hopped in their RV set for their ten hour drive to Indiana and I thought the day would be miserable. In the past when people I love leave, I ended up being depressed for the rest of the day. However, I decided consciously and sub-consciously to change this pattern. My daughter was fine and I thought she would be a mess as she is so in love with my fifteen year old cousin. I did not want to be sad so I first changed my thoughts and then planned a day that was fun. It was beautiful outside and as the quote above says: “Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you want are in harmony.” I planned a day to go to a place called: Camden Gardens. The center was having a Halloween celebration and Kayci was able to dress up as Anna from Frozen (shocker!) Disney did well with this movie, let me tell ya! We had the greatest day. It was a warm day, Kayci was able to go trick or treating though the gardens and there were dance contests (see above) crafts, and just positive energy everywhere. We rode the Merry Go Round four times and watching Kayci laugh to the point of losing her breath is a moment I will not forget. Yes, I was the mom on the ‘dance floor’ doing the Cha Cha slide and Thriller as my daughter danced in her glory. We even won a Mummy contest and received four free tickets to the next event at Camden Gardens. My inner child was thrilled and not frightened or depressed as she would have been last year after saying goodbye.
Things like this just prove that life really is a journey and nothing we want or cognitively know we need comes right away. It is a process and it really does not matter how slow you go or if you fall ten times because you have already set your intention and you just have to have faith that your inner scars: physical and emotional pain will heal in their own way. There is no dead line or exact time which can be beyond frustrating and scary. I always said the worst part about living with chronic pain was having no cure or end date to my pain. I would announce: “I can stand this pain for two, three, four or even five more years if there is a cure at the end.” Twenty years later and I am dancing to the Cha Cha slide with the miracle I call Kayci at Camden Gardens: that cure never came but my happiness did return.