“When it is all finished, you will discover it was never random.”
Ten years ago did you believe you would be where you are today? I can say without a doubt I did not for see my future to be what it is today. Fifteen years ago, I believed I would not still be alive because of my invisible illness. I thought chronic pain would absolutely kill me and I would never live to see my thirties, much less have a home and a family. I could go on and on about the bad crap that has happened in my life but looking back from where I sit now, if it had not been for all those bad moments/months/people/ and lessons I would not be the person I am today. I do not know if everything happens for a reason but I do not believe anything is random. Some of the bad things that have happened in my life were absolutely out of my control: brain surgery and chronic pain for one, parts of my childhood, the death of my Grandmother, miscarriages faced throughout the years, etc. And then there are terrible mistakes I have made in my past that caused myself and loved ones pure torture. I cannot go back in time and erase the terrible things that have happened in my past: the things that were in my control and those that were not, I can only learn and grow from them. It has taken some serious tough lessons to find self-love and sure if I could go back in time I would press delete on certain things that were in my control but this is not a possibility. We can only learn and grow from our past and trust me there comes a point in life where something clicks and you know without a shadow of doubt you will never make the same mistake again. I have many examples but one is going back on pain medication for chronic pain. This is something that will just not happen and I know that as I know the sun will rise and the moon will fall. We cannot judge one another for our pasts nor our present but especially our past. There are certain things that have been in my control that I have really screwed up that hurt myself and others so much that the thought of ever making the same mistake makes me sick. Those things, the one’s in my control taught me so much but there are just multiple things I would never dream of doing again. However, bad things are still going to come into my life: sometimes when I least expect them to. Things that are totally our of my control but I have a different way of dealing with these negative things than I did ten years ago. Oh, I may cry. Re-phrase that, I will cry. I would always rather cry than hurt another person: a lesson I had to learn the hard way. As we grow and evolve we learn ways to manage pain, both physical and emotional but never judge another because they sin differently than you because none of us are perfect and we have all screwed up especially in our journey with chronic pain. Nobody deserves to be judged. Please, I beg you to never judge yourself for your past. You were always doing the best you could with the knowledge you had/have.
There are things in my life that just do not make sense sometimes and hurt just as chronic pain did for years following my bike accident. We can only work on ourselves and whatever is confusing or causing you pain and/or worry will one day make sense and hopefully make you stronger. Until then, keep doing the best you can and never sacrifice your heart or truth to make sense of pain that is not caused by you. I know it is hard, believe me I know. We all must take one day at a time and trust that one day all will make sense and hopefully look back and say: “I am so glad that struggle did not take away all my joy and I lived for the moment.” One day the struggle you are facing today will look like nothing and you will thank yourself for not allowing the struggle to completely take over your life.