“Sometimes you’ve got to be able to listen to yourself and be okay with no one else understanding.”
I am not sure I have ever truly been understood by anyone even prior to my bike accident which resulted in brain surgery and chronic pain. I had a difficult but good childhood and acted out in school despite my good grades. I always was the class clown and wanted to make everyone laugh. I beat to my own drum while at the same time caring what people thought of me. I guess I was the definition of a true Gemini, not sure who I was or where I belonged. All I know is that I lived in constant fear: fear of the past, present, and future. I find it odd that it took chronic pain and almost dying twice to actually find myself. Yes, brain surgery almost killed me but I came closer to death because of chronic pain. After ten years of searching for a cure and finally self medicating to an un-Godly point I truly wanted to die and although never truly attempted suicide, I self medicated with alcohol and whatever else I could in hopes of ending my life. Rock bottom is where I found myself and where I began a very long upward battle to listening to my inner-self and inner wisdom. I had to do it alone. My dad was my rock and although he could not understand the hell I lived in he could see it and never doubted me for a second and without him I would not be here. I know I would have taken my life. It was me who had to do the work: accepting chronic pain and learning to live with it naturally. Someone asked me today how I am able to just live with pain without treatments or medications. I again referred to the movie with Russle Crowe who starred in the movie based on John Nash (a brilliant mathematician whom has Schizophrenia) entitled: “A Beautiful Mind.” John Nash, who passed this year learned to live with Schizophrenia naturally and followed all his dreams despite his visions and the three ‘people’ he saw that were not truly there. By the end of the movie he is seen walking up the steps to give a lecture and receive an award and looks behind him and sees the three ‘persons’ whom have haunted him his entire life. He says: “They never go away, I just chose not to notice them.” That is how I manage chronic pain. Pain is always there, I just make a solid choice every second to not give it any power over my life: a full-time job at times.
People do not understand how/why I live the way I do and some think I am lazy or dramatic and I can be dramatic (opposite of lazy though.) Even the people closest to me do not truly understand me or why I live the way I do or how hard I fight each and every day because look at me: I look like a healthy, happy, athletic, vibrant person whom has it all. I fight every damn day to not allow pain to interfere with my life or my dreams. Chronic pain taught me what is important in life and many define success differently than I do and many will never understand Jessica Lynne Martin. I think that is the most difficult part of my life with chronic pain especially when the people I love the most do not understand me. However, this is something I have to learn to live with and let go of. I know me. I would rather love myself than have everyone in the world think I am the best thing in the world. If I do not love myself, nothing anyone thinks of me will matter: good or bad. We all have to find a way to be okay with the people we care about the most not understanding us. You must love yourself and understand yourself no matter what another person thinks.
“Experience is a difficult teacher. It gives you the test first and then the lesson.”