“Faith is seeing light with your heart when all your eyes see is darkness.”
I had a procedure yesterday to make one of my most important, possibly the most important dream in my life come true: to extend our family and give this beautiful child a sibling and follow my heart and soul for what I and my family have wanted more than I ever thought I would want anything. Life is so bizarre. When I was between the ages of thirteen and twenty-one I was in survival mode: began with my bike accident which resulted in brain surgery and then a lifetime with chronic pain. Which was worse: brain surgery or chronic pain? You know the answer if you have an invisible illness such as chronic pain. Chronic pain is ten times worse than brain surgery. For over a decade I was barely living and just working on keeping myself alive and now I am at the age of thirty-four managing chronic pain naturally, living a life I never dreamed I would have due to my invisible illness, and instead of keeping myself alive I am bringing more love and joy into this world by extending our family.
The cat is out of the bag and you all knew deep down we have been going through fertility for seven months and excuse my language but shit got real yesterday. After weeks of giving myself shots, I went under anestetia and had a dozen eggs removed from me! Don’t worry, no Octa Mom here. I thought the hard part was over: the four shots a day I injected for weeks, the side affects, emotional ups and downs, the pain and bruising of each needle. I had to finally begin giving myself shots in my thighs and one time my calf because there was just no room left on my body. Yesterday, aside from starving to death before being knocked out was pretty okay. I can handle pain obviously and anesthesia is a kind of a good time. I awoke and said to the doctor, nurse, and anesthesiologist: “What are you guys doing at my house? Is my husband home? Where is Kayci? If you are thirsty there should be water in the fridge.” Then I came to life and realized where I was and started laughing. I came home, got in bed, caught up on non kid shows and spent my first day in since Kayci was born in bed for the day. I had a lot of pain and was exhausted so it was easy for Type A, over-thinking, distraction filled Jessica to do. One reason I do not mind getting sick: forced to rest. I awoke this morning and realized the hard part for me was not nearly over: I’m worried. I got a phone call from the doctor with pretty good news: we have six embryos and there could be more than thatto fertilize tonight into tomorrow. On Wednesday the surgeon puts two embryo’s back into me and we wait to see if we are pregnant: sources look great but as much as I preach positivity and trusting the process, I am human and I’m scared. Worse case scenario is I go through a month like this again. We are extremely blessed with amazing insurance but as most of you know I am a worrier and until something is finalized it is hard for me to relax. Well, you are now all caught up to speed on something I have not written about but I realized today how the worrying about the future and this process correlates to chronic pain.
I was asked a question via my blog I believe yesterday: “What helps you the most distract yourself from the pain and anxiety?” Perfect timing as that is exactly what question I needed to ask myself regarding how to distract myself from the worry about our future and these amazing yet scary embryos. If I am able to distract my mind from constant, never ending physical pain how can I not distract my mind from worrying about something that is now out of my hands? I can and I need to. Passion: that is how I distract my mind from pain the most. What are my passions? Children, writing, music, the joy of Christmas, helping others, health/exercise and oddly organizing. My husband put our Christmas tree up last night when I was dead asleep from whatever was in that IV and I awoke to one of my favorite smells: a real Christmas tree. It was a nice way to awake. I will be on bed rest Wednesday and Thursday but am allowed light activity until then. It is hard for me to relax in a messy, cluttered, un-organized house and since I am not allowed to exercise (arrrr) I began cleaning and organizing before taking a break to watch the movie: Big Daddy with Adam Sandler: “Will somebody get the kid a happy meal!?” What are your passions? Gretchen Rubin wrote the most incredible book entitled: “The Happiness Project” where she made a resolution each month to make small changes in order to find and appreciate more happiness in her life. Her first month is January and her first resolution is: “Be Gretchen.” She explains that she needed to find and follow what made her happy and she did. She always wanted to be one of those people who just loved music and the opera and tried for years to make herself enjoy such things but music never really made her happy as it does someone like me. In the first chapter she stops pushing herself to find things she thinks she should love and actually finds the things she does love and more happiness is brought into her life. The same goes for chronic pain as it does with happiness. Right now or when you have a chance write this down: RESOLUTION: BE _________. Unless your name happens to be Gretchen than obviously use her exact resolution. What makes you happy? What do you enjoy doing? What are you forcing yourself to do because you like the idea of it but not the thing itself? Start finding and following your passions and you will not only find more happiness but your mind will slowly be distracted from pain and/or anxiety. Something I am going to do to day is write down my resolution: BE JESSICA. I want to end this post with something I hope resonates with all of you and that is this: “The fear of pain is often times worse than the pain itself.”
TRUST THE PROCESS: THE UNIVERSE HAS GOT THIS
Addendum: The Universe is always listening. I was just editing this post before publishing it and the head IVF nurse called me as she knows me and my madness of anxiety. She said something that I am so thrilled about: “Jessica, six fertilized eggs is not good. Its fantastic! This is it.”