“Good things come to those who believe. Better things come to those who are patient. The best things come to those who never give up.”
I gave up on myself and living for ten years of my thirty four years on this planet. I gave up on my dreams, my beliefs, my morals, my health, and life as a whole. I truly believed chronic pain had robbed me of my biggest dream in the world: family and children. Ten years plus some (I lost count) can truly kill a person mentally and physically and if you have read my story you know how close I came to really giving up and how lucky I am to be alive. Then I began to believe that I could live a life and follow my dreams despite chronic pain and the beginning was really difficult. Accepting a life with chronic pain was the hardest part. I then had to take the Nike approach and ‘Just Do It.’ I had a program and tools to manage chronic pain without treatment or medication and once I accepted my invisible illness, I began to practice what would turn out to be my lifetime routine. It took a good year to see ‘results’ and that in no means is saying my illness was cured. It took a year of patience and work to begin living and actually enjoying life again. Slowly, very slowly chronic pain was not center stage in the play of Jessica but just something behind the curtains changing the set once and a while. I had downfalls and set backs but I always got up and I never gave up. All the dreams I believed had been stolen began to manifest themselves into my life: from the smallest things such as reading again to the grandest of things of graduating college, having a family, and bringing the greatest person I know into this world: my daughter, Kayci.
I hate to disappoint all of you, but no I am not yet expecting our second child. Stop: no pity, or sadness as this is not a bad thing. Even miracles take time. I will be honest: this past Monday was one of the worst days I have had in a long time and I cried most of the night and paid the price yesterday but once I cried it out, allowed myself some meditation and rest in my busy day I felt strong again. I feel good. I am excited. No, I am not excited for round two of IVF: needles do not bother me, the appointments/ultrasounds/blood work etc do not bother me but the medication does. Giving a person with chronic pain and anxiety a ton of hormones in shot form is not a good time but in reality what is another month of being uncomfortable when the end result is a lifetime of joy with a second child and a sibling for Kayci: a girl of course as brothers are not allowed. She is crazy about having her sister Kammi (yes she named her future sister before she was three.) I believe, no I know I will have another child, I can obviously be patient and I have proved to myself I never give up on something that I do not go a day without thinking about.
I have no formal religion but I know there is something bigger than us and I truly believe the person we are bringing into this world is just not ready yet. I had a miscarriage February Second, 2011: a DNC and would have a four year old son right now had I not miscarried. However, my daughter was born February Second, 2012 almost to the hour of losing our son. The same doctor who performed my DNC, delivered Kayci. Some would say her older brother was looking out for her. I am excited again and oddly I am not just saying that. I did not hold my sadness in by any means: my swollen face was proof of that yesterday: man I can cry well! However, the past is in the past and now I am lucky enough to show my daughter that no matter what set backs happen in life, you never give up.
All of you who are suffering and truly do not have any faith left that your life will be ok despite chronic pain read my story. I have not held back and I truly understand how you feel and how you feel is beyond normal. Life is a journey: chronic pain is a journey. All I ask is that you do not give up. You will get to acceptance when you get there and when your mind and body are ready. I am here for all of you and anyone who has emailed me knows that.
Always keep this in mind because it is true: “Something wonderful is going to happen. I do not know when but I cannot wait.”