“In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth or to step back into safety.”
Another year has passed and we are about to head into 2016 which is just un-real in my eyes. So much has changed for me this year and yet so much has stayed the same. I think this is a difficult time for many of us with or without an invisible illness because we set such high expectations and goals for ourselves: our goals and ‘resolutions’ are so high we end up failing before we even begin. For example, many people set a goal to lose weight: my resolution is to lose thirty pounds in the new year; I will go to the gym every day, eat six small meals a day, nothing I eat will have a lot of sugar and all processed meals are out the window. So, the person who set this enormous goal buys a gym membership and goes for a few days and possibly eats less processed foods including foods with sugar for a week or so then an event or party arise and he or she ‘cheats’ by having some wine and cake and then feels like crap the next day and misses going to the gym and BAM just like that this person gives up. He or she begins to hate themselves for not following through with their goal and only ends up eating more and wasting away their membership to the gym. One cannot over haul their entire way of life in one day just because the date changed from 2015 to 2016: I never once ended up keeping a New Years resolution when I wrote them down on New Years Eve. The times I truly have changed are the times when I knew I was ready and set my goals for myself and no one else. I did not decide to manage chronic pain naturally on New Years Eve: I made that decision when I knew I was ready and I started slow and set goals that were small and attainable.
There are so many things in my life that I want to change but I can only change myself and I am on way too many hormones to write down or set the goals I would set if I wrote down resolutions. Round two of IVF is in mere days so I do not trust this hormonal, crazy woman I am at the moment. I have been wary to write because I honestly do not know if it is Jessica talking or hormonal, crying, needle filled Jessica talking. With that said, we all have things we want to change in our lives (chronic pain or no chronic pain) and we knew what they were last week but did not want to make the hard choice of change. Change is scary and we sadly choose to stay in a state of comfort out of fear but the scarier the choice, the better the outcome. Nothing worth having in life comes easy: look at my life: past/present/and future. Or we blame others for our circumstances and expect others to change expecting that to make our lives better or happier. Reminder to all of us: trying to change another person will not only leave you disappointed but it will set you back in the path you are supposed to be following. You can only change yourself and once you do what you know your soul wants and needs you to do, you will not feel the need to change another person. I am not against writing down resolutions as I know we all have changes we need to make for ourselves and our lives. I just think we expect too much of ourselves and try to make so many changes at once that we end up in a cycle of self-hate that only make our lives that much more miserable.
At any point in time you have the power to say: this is not how my story is going to end. Beating yourself up, as I have been doing as of late: still unclear if it is Jessica or Jessica filled with hormonal drugs that is doing this beating up but I know cognitively and spiritually that I am truly doing the best I can and know the changes I need to make. Life needs to be taken one day at a time and as long as we keep faith and trust the process of our journey we will be okay. I am having a tough week and anyone who has gone through the process of IVF knows how hard it can be but that does not mean I have a bad life. You just put one foot in front of the other and no matter what you do not give up.
I wish everyone a safe and happy new day. You do not need to overhaul your life because of a holiday. One day at a time and we will all get there together.