“What you think you become, what you feel you attract, what you imagine you create.”
There are times in our lives when everything is going smoothly and peacefully and we take this big sigh of relief thinking: “Ah, everything is falling into place. Life is good.” And then out of no where something totally out of our control happens and affects every aspect of our lives and we are shaken to the core, once again trying to put the pieces together of a puzzle we thought was finished. It is quite true that we do not realize how strong we are until being strong is the only choice we have. However, we do not always need to choose strength. I never chose strength in the past, I chose to give up on myself even when events occurred that had nothing to do with me and were out of my control. Now, I choose strength but that does not always make things easier. This has been a difficult week. Things happened that came out of no where and threw me and others for a loop. I felt anger, sadness, grief, and a loss of control that scared/scares me more than I can explain. I do not realize how much I do not have control over until events transpire in my life that were not in my plan. I realized this week just how much I do not have control over and to be quite honest it is a tough pill to swallow. I truly came to the realization that I only have control over myself, my thoughts, and my personal actions. I cannot control world events, I cannot control the weather (clearly) and I cannot control how others treat me or the actions of others. I keep a one liner journal, something I have shared with my readers before and it is shocking to me how much I have personally changed in the past year. I will give you an example without going into certain details that are too private and have nothing to do with chronic pain
2012: OBGYN: Kayci is almost here!!! Wegmans, phone calls to insurance company augh how I do not miss this part of social work, The Bachelor (never gets old) Kaitlin gave me amazing baby stuff!!!!! I love her so much. May have to be induced!!! YAY
2013: Woke up 4am to do yoga. Kayci’s first birthday coming up! Party supply store, Acme, reading Simple Abundance, bank, playdate with Kayci’s ‘friends’, clean, cook, party planning, Penguins lost 😦
2014: One hour of Tabata exercise, produce junction, Super Walmart, library, Happy Day with my fam! Made a good dinner and watched a movie. My dad in Arizona visiting Pop Pop, I miss him.
2015: Was up all night crying, I have come to a point that I do not know what to do. My chronic pain out of control because of all the stress, sadness, lack of sleep, and tears. I am a mess. I just want to give up but cannot because of Kayci. Cried at work, came home, could not eat, fed Kayci and laid in bed crying once she was asleep.
2016: TONS OF SNOW!!! Blizzard 2016! Yoga 45 mins, with Kayci! Having a hard time. I find it so ironic that this exact day last year I was going through hell. I am sad but I am proud of myself. I took Kayci sledding and we tried to build a snowman to no prevail. Watched a movie together and fell asleep. *Think I am going to be published for The National Pain Report!
How much and how little can change in a year! The biggest thing that has changed in my life is myself. Do I wish certain things in my current space and time were different? Absolutely! Do I realize that I have zero control over anything except myself, yes. Am I sad and frightened? Yup. Am I letting those emotions control everything I do in life? Absolutely not. People sometimes ask me how I stay strong with chronic pain and the crappy things that happen in my life. My only answer is that I am for once proud of myself and know I am doing the right things and I have more faith than I did last year or the years before that. Sure, the stress of this week has given me a sinus infection, chronic pain is more difficult to not focus on, and I am sad but a year from now I am going to remember the picture above and how happy my daughter was to play in the Blizzard of 2016.
Life has taught me that everything works out. Life has also taught me that it usually works out in ways we had no control over. And life has taught me that if I do the right things and live in a way that I am proud of myself, things work out a lot better and I have a better hold on my emotions and in turn my invisible illness.