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I Fell Apart: It was Beautiful

23e9135b6ca481ce395d5e0b4d04a04b…”and then I fell apart, and it was the most beautiful moment ever, because right then, I realized that I could put the pieces back together the way I wanted them to be.”


I recently read an article from that explained the changes in people who have faced extreme trauma.  Most would think the article would be quite depressing as people who are faced with extreme trauma such as a death of a  loved one or in my case brain surgery/chronic pain, the changes in ones self  would be mostly negative and in my case/my trauma the affects were extremely negatively until I totally and completely fell apart and that was the most beautiful moment of my life because it was the moment I began to live.

If I heard that a person had a near death bike accident that resulted in brain surgery, I would think that would be the worst thing to have happened to this person.  However, I am that person and brain surgery was nothing as tragic as the ten plus years were of fighting chronic pain.  I would have had that accident and surgery twenty more times if it meant I would never have had a lifetime with chronic pain.  Chronic pain changed me into a person I did not know and my close friends and family were scared for.  For ten years chronic pain turned me into a person I hated that stole my health, my dreams, and my life.  Once I fell completely apart and hit my absolute rock bottom, chronic pain began to change my life for the better.  I just lost fifty percent of people reading this because what I just wrote has to seem impossible to many of you.  I get it.  I would not have believed it either but I hope you come back and continue reading after you punch a wall pretending it is my face.

How did chronic pain change my life for the better you ask?  I wish I could tell all of you that I found the magic pill or cure to chronic pain and that is why but I still have chronic pain and never did find that cure to this invisible illness that confuses the hell out of anyone/everyone who has never had experience with pain that is chronic.   I am who I am today because of chroni cpain.  I do not take the small things for granted and feel blessed for all the little things I know I woul have not given a thought towards had I not had chronic pain.  I have empathy for people and can honestly say I do not judge others for their actions.  People trust me and know they can come to me with their problems because they know I will never judge nor condemn them for any of their actions.  We are all fighting battles no one knows anything about and I have more respect for those who do not put on an act that his or her life is perfect.  I have tremendous respect for those who can share their faults and their problems with others because it takes a huge amount of strength to share the truth.   If you go on a social media site such as Facebook or Instagram you see tons of beautiful, happy pictures: families laughing, couples smiling and holding hands, beautiful houses and possestions: no one posts the bad crap in their lives even though none of us have this picture perfect life that many of us portray to the world.  I believe chronic pain has made me the mother I am and although my three year old can get to me, I never take her for granted and truly love being a mother because it is a dream I believed was stolen from me due to my life with chronic pain.

Most of us are going to face tragedy in our lives and we have to go through the grieving process of those tragedies before we are able to reap the benefits of loss or sickness.  We do not see the light at the end of the tunnel most of the time because the tunnel is the light.  What happens when you are in the tunnel of pain is what ends up changing you for the better once you reach the end of that tunnel.  I know most of you are in the sixth ring of hell in your battle with chronic pain and I just want you to know that I was there and I still cannot believe I can say chronic pain changed me for the better despite never finding that cure and I know it can do the same for you.  You just have to hold onto that hope and know that you are not alone and one day you will see the light that was always there. You are going to give so much good  to this world because of your battle.


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