“Is suffering necessary? Yes and no. If you had not suffered the way you have, there would be no depth to you, no humility, no compassion. You would not be reading this. Suffering cracks open the shell of the ego and then comes a point when it has served its purpose. Suffering is necessary until it is unnecessary.”
Yesterday my daughter turned four and I swear it is the most bittersweet feeling in the world to watch her grow so quickly and the years just vanish right before you eyes. To say I am a proud, grateful mother would be an understatement. Kayci had a tremendous birthday: one that I will most likely remember for much longer than she will. Yes, she received gifts and got more attention than she is even accustomed to, however the most magical part of the day happened in the famous (ridiculously over priced store) Build a Bear. I am not a fan of shopping nor am I a fan of the mall by any means. Kayci has never heard of Build a Bear and when we have gone to the mall I have made it a mission for her to not see the store as I wanted to take her there on her fourth birthday. I am a very emotional, sensitive person and am the greatest crier you may ever meet. I cry when I am sad, angry, and happy. To say I was not shedding tears of happiness in Build a Bear yesterday would be a huge lie. The woman working there must have thought I was nuts and when I said that to the sweet saleswoman helping my angel stuff her pink bear ‘Lovey’ my now four year old daughter looked up at me and said: “You are not nuts Mommy, don’t say that.” Through silly, heartfelt tears I looked down upon this gift that I still cannot believe I get to call my daughter and asked: “Why are you so good to me?” She responded quicker than I can type: “Because I love you Mommmy.” Bring on more tears in Build a Bear nonetheless. Had I not fallen off of my bike and suffered the way I had with chronic pain for so many years this moment would have been just another moment in the life of motherhood. However, through suffering during the years of chronic pain torture came out a person who is more than grateful for the little things in life like moments in one of the most commercialized stores: Build a Bear.
I rarely share my one liner journal with my readers and know I have done so quite recently but February Second: Groundhogs Day is one of the most miraculous days of my life and proves just how much can change within a year.
2011: It is official. We have lost our son and I had my DNC today. This is one of the worst days of my life and I was handed a bear instead of a baby . I do not deserve this. I thought a life with chronic pain was enough. How much more can I take?
2012: KAYCI IS BORN!!!! She was born hours before she was supposed to be by the same doctor who performed my DNC!!!!! She was born at 7:41 pm!!!! Six pushes!!!! Greatest moment of my entire life, dreams do come true!!! OK, no time to write: my DAUGHTER needs me!!
2013: Kayci’s first birthday! Party of the century: my mom is crazy! She hired a professional pony, a clown, and there were dozens of people in our home. Everyone did a great job, especially my mom who sadly was in the hospital on this amazing day that she planned and paid for. Broke my heart.
2014; Kayci turns two! Augh I am hungover from two glasses of wine! What happened to me? That used to be half of an appetizer to drinking in my darkest hours of chronic pain. Yoga nidra, work out, juice, and then played outside with Kayci and her friends. Great birthday party yesterday for this little two year old!
2015: I woke up at 3: 45. Kickboxing for an hour and then started cleaning and decorating the house for Kayci’s third birthday. Things are really tough right now but I want to make this a great day for this little angel.
2016: Kayci turns FOUR!! Time is flying! I woke up super early and hid presents around the house: ponies, squinkies, and of course shopkins. Kayci was awake at five thirty raring to go and was beyond excited to find the hidden egg surprises around the house. Both of us under the weather so rested with her and then Build A Bear: yes I cried, a lot. She is just so amazing. Best kid ever. Came home, went to work and then cleaned and had family over for a tiny family party. Devoted day to Kayci, time is going too fast. I pray this is our best year ever!