“I believe that we are who we choose to be. Nobody is going to come and save you. You have to save yourself. Nobody is going to give you anything. You’ve got to go out and fight for it. Nobody knows what you want except you, and nobody will be as sorry as you if you don’t get it. So don’t give up on your dreams.”
This may be the most difficult post I have written to date but I have an urge to share my story both the ups and the downs in the hopes that you all know I am human and I do practice what I preach, as hard as my preaches are. I forgot how much I despised pity until I found out I was having a chemical pregnancy two days ago and my dream of extending our family is not YET coming true. During my years of drowning in chronic pain I hated pity. I did not want anyone to feel sorry for me and that is most likely why I kept my invisible illness invisible. Yes, I wanted love and comfort during those years but not pity. I never wanted anyone to feel sorry for me just as most of you just want someone to stand by you as you save yourself. We all need support during difficult times but there is a big difference between support/encouragement and pity. I try and never pity my readers because I know that is far from helpful. I have empathy and love and compassion but not pity. I cannot save you just as no one could save me. I can only provide you with my story and what saved me regarding my life with chronic pain.
It has been a very difficult few days. I went from being elated to tremendous grief and sorrow. I have had miscarriages in the past but I do not remember it being this hard. I have done three rounds of IVF and anyone who has been through any form of fertility knows how difficult it can be. I received the phone call I was pregnant as I was decorating our house for my daughter’s fourth birthday party. I was so happy I screamed. I forgot how often women miscarry, I forgot how common it is to have a chemical pregnancy especially when in fertility because my happiness and relief made me forget all logic: which is Jessica at her finest and this attribute is both a good thing and at times a bad thing. I then received the phone call while at work that I had a chemical pregnancy and to say I was sad would be a huge understatement. I felt as if I had lost something so huge, so beautiful, so difficult to conceive. I had. I cried. I cried hard. However, I have a little girl who wants a sibling more than anything and I have to be strong for both her and myself. She is not at an age to understand miscarriages and I do not care who thinks I am crazy, I am never giving up on this dream. I start round four of fertility next month, March 2016. Mark my words, I will be pregnant with a healthy baby before the summer comes. How do I know? I know because of three things: science, intuition, and my body. Just like anything else, it takes time to heal from something painful. I am doing better than I would be doing had it been years ago. I am a lot stronger and chronic pain has taught me that I can get through anything. However, I am still struggling but faith and intuition and not giving up on your dreams brings a lot of peace to a person. I know once I begin IVF again in just a few weeks I will be excited, hormonal, but proud. This is a minor set back in the game of life. The blessing that is coming to our family will be that much more precious because of the work, pain, and time it will have taken to reach this miracle.
Many of you have read this but I had a DNC on February 2nd, 2011. Now that was a horrible, sickening, awful experience. The doctor who performed my DNC said to me after the procedure was over: “The next time I see you will be for a good reason.” I was so angry, depressed, and heart broken to even respond and spent a good week on my sofa watching re-runs of the show from the nineties: Beverly Hills 90210. Kayci was born February 2nd, 2012, one year exactly that I had my DNC. I had worked out throughout my pregnancy and I guess that helped with labor, along with an epidural (man I give all you women credit who give birth naturally) and it only took three pushes before Kayci’s head was out. My doctor was on break as Kayci was not supposed to come for hours. I remember screaming at my husband: “Get someone!!!! Put her back in! What do I do?” Seconds later the woman who performed my DNC the year before came in the room and delivered our daughter, Kayci. No one can ever tell me miracles do not happen or there is not a certain timing for things. People say my daughter’s brother was looking out for her. Had I not miscarried that year before to the date, the greatest person I have ever met would not be here.
The nurse who told me I was having a chemical pregnancy was very kind and because of my experience with the above story I believe what she said to me just moments ago: “I cannot wait to be your pregnancy nurse again in the very near future. There is zero doubt in any of our minds you will be pregnant very soon.” This time I did respond with a simple: “I know. I will be seeing you soon, I cannot wait.”
Never give up on your dreams. Never give up on something no matter who believes in you or who doesn’t. This is your life and no one is going to live it for you. You do what is right for you and never give up on something that you do not go a day without thinking about. I believe all of you can get to where I am with chronic pain. I know you can but it takes your work and your faith. I know I will be blessing my family with another child but it takes my work, my faith, and my strength to do so. I do not care how many times you fall down, you just better keep picking your ass up, with my help of course.