“You don’t know why you are exhausted? You are fighting a battle within your head every single day of your life. If that is not exhausting, I do not know what is.”
I write mostly about my journey with chronic pain however with chronic pain comes a multitude of other invisible illnesses that I do not express enough: depression, anxiety, fear, grief, loss, and hopelessness. There is literally a war going on through your head every second of every day and people wonder why you are tired. I have in most ways conquered my management of chronic pain. I have accepted it and learned to live with it without it affecting my daily life or happiness. However, I still have anxiety and I wish there was an on/off switch in my mind because I overthink to the point of five battles going on through my head non stop. This does not happen all the time because I use a lot of the tools I use to manage chronic pain to manage anxiety as well. However, when things are difficult in my life I go into a catastrophic mode and my mind goes to war with itself. It is exhausting. Most of you know exactly what I am talking about. At times I feel as if I am running on empty and it drains me to no end.
I listened to a lecture on the website: “TED TALK” yesterday, a platform I dream of being on one day to share my story and help/inspire all those who want to end their life because of their battle with chronic pain. If none of you have seen a speech on this amazing website please go to http://www.youtube.com and type in: Ted TV. Most episodes are no longer than twenty minutes and leave you feeling empowered and much more cheerful than you would if you had watched the depressing news on the television. I watched a man speak about the unhappiness found in our country. He did many studies and found that money had nothing to with the idea of happiness. He found that happiness had a lot to do with the idea of expectations. I have written this before but I find two things to be the thief of joy: comparison and expectation. I began thinking about my current anxieties and worries and realized both revolved around the expectations of what I want and comparing my life to those around me. I have a big issue with wanting to control my future and when I feel as if I am living in limbo I overthink to the point of my mind going into a fierce battle. Cognitively I know things are going to happen and there are some things I have no control over. However, my brain can be a real asshole and all cognition goes out the window once it goes to war. I expect my dreams to happen when I want them too. I expect that when I am doing all the right things and have overcome so much I deserve the things I so desperately want. The things I desperately want have nothing to do with money or status but with my future as a writer and mother. At times I feel as if I am a hamster on a hamster wheel running and running but getting no where. Maybe that is the problem, I need to stop running and trying so hard to control my future. I have come so far from the girl who was drinking herself to death to numb her chronic pain to the girl who is now managing pain naturally and living a life I am mostly happy and proud of. I guess worrying is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but does not get you very far. What if we all let go of our expectations even those expectations of finding a cure to pain? I believe with all my heart and soul that if we were able to truly let go of expectations and allow things to unfold as they will whether we worry about them or not, we would all be much happier and the world would be a much more peaceful place to reside.