“Your true happiness happens when you discover that no one other than yourself is responsible for the way you feel.”
I believe this is one of the most difficult lessons we will ever have to learn in life. I watch my daughter viewing movies such as Cinderella and Snow White and watch as she waits for ‘Prince Charming’ to show up at the end of the fairy tale to save the princess from her fears and troubles. At times, as all parents do (especially mothers) worry that she will feel the need for someone else to always save her or rescue her from her own troubles, which is what most of us tend to do. We look to others for happiness, safety, protection, and love. While, sadly most of us do not even love ourselves so our quest to find love will never prevail. I truly wish that schools taught children at a young age the importance of self love. It took me years and years of chronic pain to learn the importance of self love. It took hating myself to find self love and self compassion. It took around twenty five to thirty years of my life to realize that no one could save me but myself. Why was I not taught this in school? I use a calculator if I need to multiply or add up long numbers, I have yet found the need to dissect an animal, and sadly there is this little thing called spell check found on everyones computer so we are sure to not misspell a word. I am not de-valuing the importance of all the lessons learned in school, nor do I believe they should be removed. However, I think we need to start teaching our children the importance of self love and the values of confidence which can not be drawn on chalkboards.
I had a horrible day this past week and was very depressed, angry, and in both physical and emotional pain. I found myself waiting for someone to text me or call me to give me the motivation I needed to stop crying, stop thinking about pain, and pull myself together for both the sake of myself and my daughter. I started thinking: “Doesn’t anyone love me?” and had thoughts of self pity and loneliness and utter desperation to be saved from my pain. Then I dug deep into myself and found my courage, strength, and self love. Out of no where, I said to my little four year old: “Hey Kayci, I have the best idea! Do you want to go bowling?” She had never been bowling and had only seen it on one of her children’s shows. Her eyes lit up as if I had said we were going to Disney World. She began jumping up an down frantically yelling: “I’m so excited! I’m so excited! Yay! You are the best mom, lets go!!!!” I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to see anyone. My eyes were swollen from crying, I felt terrible both inside and out and all I truly wanted to do was lay in bed. However, the joy I saw on my daughter’s face at the word bowling got me in that shower and out that door. I stopped thinking about pain. I had fun. I was so overjoyed to see Kayci do something she has never done before. I also remembered how much I love bowling. My methods for distracting myself from chronic pain truly work. We were there for over two hours and the rest of the day went well. I had to save myself that day from my own pain. I had to love myself enough to know that I deserved better than to lay in bed all day crying and thinking about pain. We all need to begin finding self love. The idea of empowerment is something that can bring you up from to depression into pure joy. Please, try and stop beating yourself up for anything you think is your fault such as chronic pain. There is nothing wrong with you. You did not ask to have chronic pain. You did not ask to be hurt. However, it is in your power to find your happiness because I promise you no one is going to find it for you.