“Better Things Are Coming”
Life is full of transitions and just like the ocean we somehow always end up going through rough waters, calm tides, and times of uncertainty. This coming weekend is awesome: Memorial Day Weekend; the pool opens, the sun will be shining, and my daughter will be back with all her summer friends. We will be able to drive to the beach and I will be the lucky person who gets to see the immense joy on my four year old’s face who seems to have gotten a love for the ocean from her summer loving mother. The changes that happen between the ages of three and four are just incredible. The changes are so bittersweet and I try hard not to focus on how fast she is growing up and try to enjoy the ride of time.
However, I thought my life would be different a year ago today. Then again, as I have written many times all the big things I believe are going to happen at a certain point in time never happen when I believe them to but when the Universe believes the time has come. Sure, I wish some things were different and I will be very honest in the fact that I have been focusing on what I do not want in my life as opposed to what I want. What we continuously think about begins to manifest in our every day lives. My thoughts are coming from a sense of lack and my focus has been on how unfair things seem to be therefore I am bringing more of what I do not what into my life. We all get into ruts at times and I know better things are coming. There are times in our lives when we must not only change our thoughts but our actions as well. It is the definition of insanity: continuing to do the same thing while expecting a different result. I used to truly hate myself. I lived a life of chronic pain and I did not live it well. I did things I am not proud of: some a result of chronic pain and some things because I never healed old wounds. I no longer hate myself. There are times I hate certain aspects in my life but I am proud of myself. I need to practice the phrase: it is just a bad day, week, or month: not a bad life. One of my closest friends once told me: “Everything changes Jessica, nothing stays the same. Trust the process.” I think of that quote daily.
Chronic pain truly did steal ten years of my life because it dominated everything I thought and everything I did. The reason I am able to manage it naturally and ended my search for a cure was because I no longer wanted pain to be the focus of my miserable existence. People ask me why I continue to choose to not try a new medication that was not around when I stopped taking medicications and accepted chronic pain as part of my life and my answer is quite simple: pain no longer controls my life and I am not looking for any results or cures to my pain. If I started going back to acupuncture or began taking a new medication on the market for chronic pain, I would be back in anticipation mode. I would be anticipating some pain relief. I did that for far too many years and have come way too far to ever go back to the doctor for pain relief. Yes, I have difficult days but because I chose to stop focusing on pain and searching for a cure, I began to actually live as opposed to survive. Our thoughts become our reality. Chronic pain is always there but over the years I have practiced to train my brain to bring my thoughts away from pain.
If I am able to do that with chronic pain, I believe I can do that with my present circumstances. No, things are not how I imagined them to be or prayed for them to be but that is out of my control. I must choose more positive thoughts and focus on what I do have and trust the journey of my life. There was a time I never thought I would be able to read, graduate college, be a mother because of chronic pain. All of those things plus many more have come to fruition so why obsess over what I now believe will never happen? I am, as we all are a work in progress. I will continue to do what I know is right for myself and my family. I will continue to manage chronic pain the best I can and get through the changes in my life and I will start doing things that make my soul happy. I have gotten so wrapped up in taking care of everything outside of myself and have stopped taking the care my body and soul deserve and need. We must take care of ourselves or we will be no use to the people we love. We must do the things that make our soul happy and for me that is writing, reading, and doing things for my inner child.
“People will love you. People will hate you and none of it will have anything to do with you.”