“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”
So many people (and I agree) say: things could be so worse, you should not be sad or upset, count your blessings. However, I read a quote once that said: “Telling someone they should not be sad because things could be worse is like telling someone they should not be happy because things could be better.”
I was driving to work today in the rain in my new car, with my four year old in the back and she was yelling in the back because she was exhausted and I was overthinking (shoking) and it was raining and the roads were slick and we got in a pretty bad accident. If you are a parent, which many of you are hearing your little one scream as you hear the sound of a very loud collision is tough to swallow. Yes, we are blessed. No one was hurt and it is just a car and I have great insurance. However, lets be honest: it sucks. I never lie to any of you so not going to start now but I cried literally all day, for multiple reasons. Cognitively I know there is nothing I can do now and it is pointless to keep thinking about it but as far as I have come, I’m having a bad day. You have those questions like: “If I had just left five minutes earlier or if it had not been raining, etc. ”
I practice what I preach most of the time but there are days that are totally overwhelming and I forget. At the time of the accident, I was distracted by my four year old’s tears because she was exhausted, I was annoyed at the rain and thinking about being stuck inside for twelve hours at work, I was worried about issues that all adults have and instead of living in the present moment despite the ‘no fault’ accident, I crashed: HARD. I truly do believe some things happen for a reason and maybe the Universe was telling me to slow my mind down and stop worrying so much. But, I’m human and I’m sad, anxious, and angry. Like I say, it is okay to cry it out and be upset: just do not pack up and live there. I am, have been camping out for the day: I’m accepting my right to be upset. People, especially women put a LOT of pressure on ourseleves and we sadly live in a state of guilt a lot of the time. I feel awful my daughter was scared out of her mind, I feel awful this is a new car, I feel awful that I let my family down. I know how blessed I am that no one was hurt but I am still sad. It will pass as all things do and in a couple weeks/months I will see the reason of this horrific accident. However, at this moment I’m not ok and that is ok.
There are so many tragedies occurring in our country at the moment, the biggest being the shooting in an Orlando night club just a few nights: the biggest shooting in our country’s history. It is devastating. I cannot imagine, nor will allow myself to picture any of my loved ones killed because of their human right to live. No excuse. No one deserves to be bullied, hurt, or killed for the way they live. It is truly heartbreaking. I was going to write a post on this tragedy tomorrow as I was supposed to have work today but may as well bring it up now. I am not in the government, I am not God, and honestly I do not have the answers on how to stop the endless tragedies that keep plaguing our country. I wish I did because it is truly beyond devastating.
With that said, we all have a right to have bad days. I, personally do not know and cannot fathom being a part of the worldwide shootings and massacres that continue to destroy the lives of innocent, beautiful, amazing people. I cannot say that I understand because I do not. Most of my readers have some type of an invisible illness. It is OK to mourn the losses you have faced due to your illness. Comparison is the thief of joy in both good ways and bad. Comparing your life to someone you “think” has it better will only make you feel awful, the same goes for comparing yourself to someone you “think” has it worse. This is your life. We are all allowed good days, bad days, low pain days, difficult days and must stop comparing our lives to others. Why the hell did I crash my car today? Why can I not get the images of the shattered pieces of car out of my head or the noise of the impact of both cars? Why, no matter how hard I try can I not stop crying? Why do we have chronic pain? Sometimes there are NO answers and we have to keep going and never lose faith. I learned a lesson today, a lesson I already know but at times do not practice enough. No, I am not going to be mad at myself for being emotional, what is that going to solve: more tears. You are allowed to be sad. You are allowed to be angry. You are allowed to feel exactly as you do at this moment. Do not suppress those feelings, let them out. If not, you will bury them deep and camp out in emotional turmoil for a long time.