“Note to self: If you were able to believe in Santa for eight years, you can believe in yourself for five seconds. You Got This.”
In the above picture, my daughter is belting out a Mumford and Sons song as I play the drums. She believes in everything. She reminds me so much of myself when I was her age it is frightening. She reminds me so much of myself now (most of the time) it is scary. A day does not go by that someone does not say: “She is a mini version of you to the tee.” For the most part, this is a great thing. There are many things I love about myself and I am proud that Kayci is herself one hundred percent of the time. She truly does not care what anyone thinks and is downright funny and entertaining. Just this afternoon, we went out to lunch at the infamous Houlihans that reminds me a lot of the movie: “Office Space” minus the flare. Music was playing in the background fron the sixties and Kayci danced for the entire restauratnt. She did not care in the least who was watching or what anyone thought of her: she was happy, making others happy, in her own world believing in herself. When do we lose this sense of belief and self love? I never want my daughter to lose her carefree attitude and her zest for life. I was a carefree child up until my bike accident and that fall that changed my life forever, happened out of no where, with no warning, and those two seconds of my life stole fifteen years of my life. I lost my zest for life, I lost my self worth and self esteem, and worst of all I lost myself.
I am now thirty-five and for the most part, a care free person and people who know me know that I have no filter and am still called the entertainer. I am proud of myself for how I manage chronic pain and how I help others in their own battles with their personal invisible illness. However, I look up to my daughter more than I look up to anyone. The car accident we were in just last week ended up being a lot worse than I thought. Our SUV was considered totaled and we are in the process of working with the insurance company and buying a new car. No one was hurt and that is what matters, however I am still having trouble wrapping my mind around what happened. It truly shook me to the core. It was almost as if the accident put me off balance because after the accident, everything seemed to start going wrong. However, were things really going wrong or was it just how I was perceiving the ‘problems?'” I found out on Monday night that the car was considered totaled and I felt like a failure. I began hating myself despite the fact that it was a true accident and I cannot think of something I was doing wrong. That self-hate began to manifest itself in me and my mind became a catastrophic mess. I came to a point of acceptance yesterday and of course everything is working out as it always does. I am sleeping again, back to my chronic pain management schedule, and working on self love. I need to start believing in myself more and that is what the accident taught me. I am way too hard on myself as a person, a family member, and a mother. I never truly give myself enough credit or practice what I preach regarding self love. Life can change for the better or worse in a split second, my bike accident taught me that. When bad things happen, we need to find a lesson because there is always something to learn from an accident. I learned that I need to slow my mind down, appreciate what I have more, and believe in myself more. Life is so short and when you become a parent you realize just how quickly it goes because it feels as if yesterday Kayci could not even walk. I want to live for the here and now. I want to count my blessings and I want to be proud of myself and stop beating myself up for the mistakes I have made in the past. We all deserve those things.