Anger, Anxiety, Brain Surgery, Buddha, Caregiver Stress and Chronic Pain, Change, chronicpain, Depression, dreams, Empathy, Support for Chronic Pain

Broken: Chronic Pain



“I hide so much.  I push it all the way down and cover it up.  I try to convince myself that I am not sick, that I am not fighting to live.  But it is a lie.  And although I’m surrounded by many, I feel alone.  I do it to myself.  I don’t want to let others in because they become a part of the disease.  It affects them.  I don’t want anyone else to feel this pain.  I’m worn.  I’m scared.   And right now,  I’m broken.  Completely and perfectly broken.”


Until I began writing about my journey with chronic pain many people did not  know I was fighting an ivisible illness for over twenty years.   I was basically living a lie because I did not want people to know how I really felt inside.  Every day was a battle: me against pain and for over ten years pain won every second of every day.  My chronic pain began after my bike accident, during my adolescent years when I was unsure of myself to begin with.  I wanted to fit in with my peers and have friends and be like ‘everyone else.’  I was going through puberty while fighting a pain I had no control over.  I was broken inside but on the outside I could bury my pain down deep enough to show a smile and keep my chronic pain a secret to as many people as possible.   Some days I would miss school because of doctor’s appointments and/or various procedures and I lied to people as to why I missed school.  I felt as if I was going crazy.  It was not until the year 2001 that I even heard the word chronic pain so I began believing I was making my physical pain up: broken.  Some nights and or weekends I would cancel plans with friends, not because I wanted to but because I wanted to just lay in bed and cry.  The thought of having to be around people when I was in an immense amount of pain was too much to bear.  I would tell my friends and family members I had a stomach ache or my allergies were acting up: anything to not have to mention the pain in my head, face, and neck.  I began isolating myself and at times literally laid in my bed just crying while my friends were enjoying their time at the movies or the mall.  I wanted to be anyone but myself.  I hated myself.  Years upon years of treatments, medications, surgeries etc led me to truly think I was making up my pain: I was not as most of you know, especially those of you with some sort of an invisible illness.

Once I was finally diagnosed with having chronic pain (a term I had never heard of) I began my journey to acceptance and managing pain naturally.  However, I still did not want people to know.  I was the queen of changing plans: ten years I changed plans because the pain was too much to deal with, ten years I changed plans because I had to put my healthy management of chronic pain ahead of everything else.  I have been called selfish in my lifetime and I do believe that mostly comes from chronic pain.  I have put my health and my management of chronic pain ahead of everything.  I know I cannot overdo things or my pain levels will sky rocket and I will be a miserable mess. If I do not put my well being first I cannot be a good mother, a good family member, a good friend, and worst of all I end up back in the cycle of self hate which is no good for anyone around me.  In a perfect world, I would never have fallen off of my bike and I would never had brain surgery and chronic pain.  However, I did fall off my bike at the young age of thirteen.  I did spend ten years or more of my life searching for a cure and fighting pain every moment.  I did want to just end my life in my young twenties because I literally could not take the physical and emotional pain any longer.  And then I hit my rock bottom and made a very hard decision and that decision was to accept chronic pain and manage it naturally.  I no longer feel broken but I do feel alone sometimes.  If I am having a difficult day with pain, I feel depressed, I cry a lot, and I pretend I am okay.  A couple days is a lot better than ten years straight.  Chronic pain can be the loneliest place in the world.  None of my family or friends know what I go through each day to manage this invisible illness.  My smiles are rarely fake and I am a genuinely happy person but I am quite misunderstood by those who have never dealt with an invisible illness.


2 thoughts on “Broken: Chronic Pain

  1. It is a lonely, scary place. I’ve learned I have to ask for help & also share my invisible illness as a way to advocate for others. You reminded me of something very important tonight. Self Care comes first. I’ve been battling returning to work knowing it will compromise my health and up until I read your post I was making excuses of why this would be okay. Thank you for your words and for sharing. I hope the pain calms down in order for you to rest tonight. Sending healing vibes your way.

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