“No matter how justified you are in your negative emotion, you are still messing up your future.”
When I first read the quote above I found it to be quite harsh however the quote stuck with me and every time something I read or hear stays in my mind, I know there is some meaning in it for me. Everyone who has chronic pain is beyond justified to feel many negative emotions. I lived, breathed, and survived through negative emotions for over ten years due to chronic pain. You are all beyond justified to feel depressed, angry, frustrated, misunderstood, and at times hopeless. Despite how far I have come with my personal journey with chronic pain I am still justified in feeling negative emotions at times due to my invisible illness. However, there came a time for me and it will come for you as well that you realize you do have a choice in how you manage your pain and how you allow your pain to either better your life or destroy your life. Pain destroyed everything in my life for a solid third of my time in this world. Once I did the hardest work of my life and began to manage pain naturally and found ways to live with chronic pain without it controlling my life, my days began to get better and better therefore leading to a better future, a future I never imagined I would have.
As most of you know I had a terrible loss ten days ago and although I am still filled with a multitude of emotions and can cry at the drop of a hat, the cry of a baby, or even a commercial for diapers I have come to a point where I am once again excited to make and bring a healthy, happy baby into this world. I never lost hope but I am now changing my thoughts (as much and as often as I can) into positive thoughts. When I first heard those words ten days ago: “There is no heart beat” I felt like my heart and soul were being ripped to shreds and I did lay in bed for days crying and catastrophizing. I did not want to celebrate Thanksgiving and the thought of Christmas made me cry harder than one can imagine. But, I awoke one morning and decided to get up and get back to living. I got back to my natural management of chronic pain routine. For a week I have been waking up at five am, exercising, writing, decorating for Christmas, and began to remember how much I have to be grateful for. I took the picture above of my daughter Kayci on Thanksgiving. She is an angel. Had I not had a miscarriage on February 2nd, 2010 my daughter would not be here and the world would not be the same. She makes people happy. She has a zest for life that gives others a zest for life they did not know they still had. I know from the bottom of my heart that the loss I just faced not only saved a baby from a very painful life but also is going to allow another angel come into the world, just as the loss I faced in 2010 brought Kayci into this world.
We never can say what, when or how emotional pain will settle (not go away) but calm down to a state of acceptance and we are not supposed to know as we all grieve in our own ways and no one can be judged for how they deal with their pain or grief. There is no time limit. I awoke a couple days ago and my first thought was not of the excruciating pain of the loss that just occurred but with an excitement to start over. I believe chronic pain and other challenges I have faced in this world have given me an added boost of strength because had this happened years ago I would still be in bed crying. I do not want to forget all I have while working towards what I want, what my family wants, what my angelic daughter wants. It will happen. Yes, I am still grieving and I would be lying if I said I did not cry once or twice a day but I am still grateful and excited for my future. I am justified to have many negative emotions and I did live in those negative emotions for days. I want to be positive and happy and I do thank God for my faith that dreams do come true but not on our schedule.
I want to dedicate this post to Kristen who recently wrote me an email and helped me see the strength I do have. I know you all have that strength too even if you do not see it at this moment.