“It’s easy to look at people and make quick judgements about them, their present and their past but you would be amazed at the pain and tears a single smile hides. What a person shows to the world is only one tiny facet of the iceberg hidden from sight. And more often than not, its lined with cracks and scars that go all the way to the soul.”
I am a person filled with cracks and scars that do go all the way to my soul. For a good part of my life I allowed these cracks and scars to harden me and become a person I did not love or even enjoy being around. Self hate is truly the most powerful hate there is because it can cause a person to act out in hate towards others when really the only person he or she is unhappy with is themselves and/or their life circumstances. I am still filled with cracks and scars that are not visible to the outside world however I no longer hate myself. I can be excruciatingly hard on myself and perfectionism can get the best of me but I do not hate who I am. I am filled with more self love now than I have had in all my thirty five years on the planet. I no longer look at my cracks and scars as my enemy but as the building blocks that are creating my present and future. Life is ten percent of what happens to us and ninety percent of how we respond to it.
This year has been jam packed with ups and downs. I have had the highest highs and the lowest lows. I have had miracles arise and devastations arise. Ten years ago I would pity myself without welcoming pity from others. I would have allowed the bad things that have occurred to define my identity. Now, I try and find the silver lining. I try and find the lesson behind each great thing that happens and each difficult thing that happens. There are many things that have happened to me to bring me to the place within myself where I reside now: chronic pain, losses, mistakes, and my daughter Kayci. I have faith in myself and my future because of my cracks and scars. Look at that little four year old girl above who is just about to see Santa Clause and is literally holding in her built up excitement. I am the lucky person that she calls Mommy. She believes in magic and she helps me believe in magic because in my eyes she is magic herself. One of my biggest losses happened in 2010 when I lost our son at about nine weeks gestational age. Had that little angel not left us, I would not know or have this miracle daughter.
I had my bike accident in my young teens and have had chronic pain since. For so many years all I thought about was how to get rid of my pain. I not only thought about it but pain consumed my life, the life of my family, and a multitude of doctors and specialists who could not for the life of them find a cure to my invisible illness. A day did not go by in which I did not think about a life without pain. I am thirty five now and still have chronic pain and had you told me fifteen years ago I would be living with chronic pain naturally and having a fulfilled life despite pain, I would have either laughed in your face or cried in your face. But, here I am living a life where pain does not dictate my life. I have written and said this many times but it is just so relevant and true to all our stories: “If there is something that you do not go a day without thinking about or wishing for than you will find a way to achieve whatever it is you wish for.” I never found a cure to chronic pain but my life took me on a different path where I learned to live with it and be happy despite pain. In many ways my wish that I did not go one single hour without thinking about did come true just not in the way I had expected it to. As you all know, I do not go a day without thinking about having another child and extending our family. Clearly it is not happening how I had wished and hoped for it to happen but it will happen because if nothing else chronic pain taught me that you never give up on something you do not go a day without thinking about. In the meantime I am going to do everything in my personal power to bring me closer to my dream while still enjoying and being grateful for what I do have in this time and place.