“I’m so tired of being stuck between hope and hell.”
Recently I had to see my family doctor for a standard check up, something I enjoy putting off for as long as possible. During the physical I had to once again go through my medical history which clearly includes brain surgery due to bike accident and subsequent chronic pain. The doctor (with good intentions but not the best listening skills) explained to me how tight and ‘off’ my neck was and had I ever considered surgery for chronic pain. I am beginning to think that patients are given the medical history forms to fill out just so the wait does not seem as long in the waiting room. Sometimes I am not sure how to make it more clear to doctors that I spent a third of my life searching for a cure, having multiple surgeries to cure chronic pain, and being on every medication listed from A to Z. So yes, I not only once considered having surgery to rid my body of pain but had surgery: multiple surgeries. The conversation then changed to where I explained how I manage pain naturally and that is a subject I enjoy talking about so I am happy we were able to get away from the pain talk. I just needed a damn physical for something else going on in my life that has zero to do with chronic pain. However, this appointment brought back a lot of memories and I started thinking about all of my readers who are still stuck between hope and hell.
When I first began my search for a cure I was a teenager. I believed that if someone was a doctor and wore a white coat he or she was correct and I did whatever they asked of me. One doctor told me that if nerve endings were cut off from the inside of my face my pain would go away forever. My hope went up so high that I did not even care that the procedure was painful and that I had to be awake for the entire process. Cure? Sign me up! I remember being so happy and relieved right before the procedure. I have to say of all the procedures/surgeries I had this was by far the most painful and difficult. I was to the point of screaming as nerve endings were cut inside my face. The doctor said I should feel better and pain free in mere hours after the surgery. My dad took me home and I waited and waited and waited some more. I knew once I reached my eighth hour of waiting that the pain was not going away and if anything the pain was only worse. I went from huge hopes to the depths of hell within a twelve hour period. I lived like this for ten plus years: hope to hell, hope to hell, hope to hell then finally just HELL.
My hell finally came to a halt when I stopped searching for a cure. I understand how frustrated so many of you are in your journey with chronic pain. You do not know who to believe. Pain is increased by anxiety and your anxiety levels are through the roof. Making huge medical decisions is extremely stressful. You have doctors giving you different options: surgery, medications, different tests, different therapies and you do not know which to pick from. I can only speak from experience and I do not fault or judge any of you for how you choose to manage your pain. I tried EVERYTHING. Not one thing worked until I came to a point of acceptance and started learning how to manage pain naturally. It was a complete lifestyle change. Some of the times were hellish but over time my hope went up and up despite the many changes I had to make in my life. You need to do what you believe is right for you in your own personal journey with chronic pain. I only urge you to listen to your intuition. If something does not feel right in your gut, do not do it. Often times the more surgeries and medications we take for chronic pain only make the pain worse so you must listen to your inner wisdom. No matter what you will be okay. I had many surgeries that made my pain worse and I am in a good place in my journey with chronic pain. Sometimes you feel you have to try everything before coming to a point of acceptance.
Please know that I understand you battle between hope and hell and anyone can email me if they have a question or need support.